The Mental Elf

Mental health resources without the crap :)  http://www.thementalelf.net/

This is an amazing story about the early life of the autism diagnosis.

Autism's early child http://gu.com/p/338hh

Summer Holidays

Well here it is the moment that I have  been desperately  waiting for the start of the summer holidays :)  Its good to know that I've got at least 8 weeks free though I am planning on going into uni over the summer as being a January intake were always going to have work to do over the summer (bummer).

I've been so worried about starting this essay on my dementia client from placement. Placement didn't go well for me. Its certainly not a bad placement its just that I had so much anxiety about it and really didn't cope to well with the anxiety. I came off placement really wanting to leave my course though I know now that I'm not going to leave it. I've been loving the lectures and  learning all about mental health care, and I worked so hard to get onto the course in the first place. The lecturers have been great providing supervision I'm just sad I didn't ask for it sooner. I hate the fact that such a negative work event that happened prior to the course really has coloured my first six months as a student nurse. Anyhow I was worried that writing about dementia care would drag me back inside my own head, which is something I really need to avoid at the moment, and wanted to write about someone with a learning disability instead.  My tutor was very helpful and said she thinks I should stick to the dementia essay as it would be the easier one for me to write, as I have the research base behind it.  But as I only showed her an essay plan I can  see her again over with my essay if its worrying me at all. Its not the actual writing of an essay that's concerning me its the dip that my mood can take again. It also concerns me that  an event at work appears to have re triggered my ptsd symptoms of  being highly anxious. I'm still not convinced that I can do this.

Its nearly over well for the summer anyway.

Friday is the last day of term for us student nurses and boy I cant wait for some. In the past few months lots of things have happened. I just about survived placement, biology exams, work, lots of friends have had a lot of babies and its only now Im getting around to meeting some of these little ones. Phew its been a really busy few months :(

I was so glad when placement finished tho it started to go spectacularly badly as time went on. Don't get me wrong it was a nice nursing home, much better staffing and care wise for the clients who lived there than the place I used to work at. I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was doing something wrong, I was a terrible nurse and that Id end up abusing all those in my care. And a terrible sense of guilt, some of the team were really supportive knowing the circumstances in which I left my last job. I guess Ive been feeling that way because I kinda felt that I should challenge every bad thing that I saw, and couldnt always challenge as a student. I've also lost the ability to rely on my own judgement at the moment which left me feeling incredibly insecure on placement. My mentor wasn't much help on this front  I held back a lot not wanting to come across as unconfident, but mostly when I did ask for guidance on things my mentor would go off into random rants about past students, the University or the NMC which left me even more confused! The upshot of all this is that I came off placement seriously considering leaving the course. I've passed my placement Yay  but I have been talking with my personal tutor about intermitting from the course.

That in itself has made me feel better, came up with a plan that involves putting in a mitigating circumstances claim for two modules whose assesment pieces are imminently due, I was so anxious I didn't even know if I could sit my Biology exam, but I told myself if I didn't then I could not go away for the weekend with my friends so I duly sat the exam even though Id only had about four hours sleep in two days. I'm not entirely sure how I've done one section I know I completely messed up, two of them I felt okish with so hopefully Ive passed the bloody thing. Im leaving the decision as to weather I intermit or not until after the holidays. At present I have about 5 solid reasons why I want to remain on the course and about 3 pages worth of reasons why I should just jack it in.

Well Id better be off to put together this presentation, then off to meet my friends little person yay :D

Placement and ewwwwwww stuff

Well I'm out on my very first placement, now which is all very scary indeed. I have been sent to the same kind of area as the care home I used to work in, and cant believe the difference in standards. Both these places were given a good rating under the old CQC rating yet at placement there is two care staff for every ten residents,  one nurse to 15 residents and a whole host of cleaners, launderers and kitchen staff. Where I used to work there were no support staff only two cleaners who often doubled up as carers. Fully staffed on a morning shift there was essentially one carer to 10 residents and an afternoon or bad morning it was one to 15. The senior was one to thirty residents and often didn't work the floor. Everyone keeps saying its the difference between residential and nursing home care. But the clients at placement have similar profiles and the work is ten times easier as you are not running around cooking food, doing all the dishes etc.

Ive been loving placement, the first day I was quite scared. I was unhappy that the nurse who was put in charge of me just dumped me on the wing and couldn't find him for the rest of the day. The problem is my mentor is away for four weeks of my eight week placement, and it works out that it is the first  two and final two weeks of placement. I'm learning I need to be more assertive with my learning tho. Its great to hang out with the clients and work alongside the support workers but  and its a big but im there as a student nurse and need to learn the nursey skills as well. Ive realized Im slightly terrified of asking to see things but there have been a few positives recently, like I got to do the doctors rounds the other day, only observing but it was great to see why they made certain medication decisions, and that they were caring enough to reduce the residents antipsyhcotics whilst upping the sedating pain killers to avoid an increase in sedation. I'm going to go in today and stick more closely with the nurse, if I get dumped with the support workers again Ill help for a while then wander back as I need to pass my learning objectives though with the mentor situation it hasn't been done yet :S

Apart from that things haven't been great, my lovely pet rat ruby died a few days ago. Shed had breathing problems for a while wasn't eating well and wasn't responding to antibiotics. Shes only just over a year old and to be honest her cheekiness made her my favorite. Rip little one :(

I also seem to have had a reemergence of ptsd, over the easter holidays, I guess Ive been blaming myself for the way old job ended and I keep wondering if it was my fault as I didn't stand up for myself more when awful situation happened, but then I think I had extensive second degree burns and was in shock, so it was my employer that was in the wrong. Its just to this day I cannot believe that I didn't just walk out even when I was told I couldn't go. I cant believe I went back, I could have asked the doctor to sign me off sick until my notice period ran out,but then I was scared about money and starting uni to. The home manager made it clear to me that she blamed me for not being assertive enough in the situation, simply because of my past and it was a man in charge of that shift. I feel very angry that she would use that against me. Yeah I have problems with men, I have a hard time relating to them but then when you've been controlled, bullied, beaten and raped it does follow that you may be a bit wary of the male species.

It didn't help that over the easter holidays I tried to start taking a bit more responsibility over my diabetes and pcos. So I made an appointment to see the diabetic nurse at my practice, she was a lot nicer than the last one I saw who just berated me for having being diabetic and having a history of bulimia. She accepted that I am not my past and that I have moved on quite considerably in the last few years. But it turns out that there was infection showing in my wee sample. Ive been aware for quite a while that there is something amiss up there  but haven't seen anyone about it as I find people looking/being up there very traumatic, unless I'm very very drunk. Anyway I let her do the examination because I know it needed to be sorted out and she did the smear test while she was up there. I started crying as the sensation of something being up there just brought the flashbacks, something I haven't had for a while. I kept feeling it, and every time it happened I felt very very tearful and panicky. I keep telling myself off though it was a medical examination not that bastard.
I'm just trying to keep busy now talking about it does help and hopefully will make it better eventually as there is someone in my life whose been waiting around for it to be okay for four years now, I love him but so far cant allow the relationship to happen coz im scared :(

Something lovely :)

This is something I just found stumbling round the  interweb, bit of a shameless plug but its soooo soooo lovely, go on have a go peepshttp://mandaflewaway.tumblr.com/post/2057242738

The level of nursing education in the uk

Today we got shown this video to demonstrate how as nurses we should wash our hands.

Oh dear, its all very fun though especially when the tutor had 30 odd mental health students acting out the washy washy dance, I just hope to god that in practice we don't have to wear the funny outfits to wash our hands :P

Its been an interesting week, I got to take a group of people to a live concert on Sunday afternoon. I still cant quite believe that Ive landed on my feet with this job, I get paid for taking part in activities that I absolutely love.  So far it has involved taking clients out for walks, to the cinema, shopping and to a concert in hilly city, amazing :)

Ive been loving our lectures this week as they are preparing us for the practice based side of our course.  We have been learning about psychiatric drugs and I was quite interested that apparently it is not always in the best interests of someone even with quite severe schizophrenia to medicate.  As nurses we have a duty of care to stand up for our patients views. Often doctors will push people on a section  into taking certain drugs without really taking into account the debilitating side effects these drugs can have on someones life. I was quite surprised but also relieved to find this out, as it would be my worst nightmare to have to insist someone takes their medication, when the reason they didn't want to was because of the side effects. Maybe I'm too soft on this though as I am aware that people on sections are often restrained and given depots against their will, but then if they are a  danger to themselves does that make it okay? Hmm its a bit of an ethical minefield, Ill have to do some research into this I think.

They have also started to teach us some of the physical health care stuff that as mental health nurses we need to know. I think the mental health lecturers have been good about this as it was so badly taught in the CFP module, they expected us to get it after one cut short lecture with no extra practice. The module team for mental health seem to have picked up that we are all moaning about the way physical health care was taught and they are teaching it too us as well, even offering themselves up as guinea pigs so we can practice our skills before practising on patients. 

I keep thinking I need to get myself a bit organised, Ive been taking it a little bit too easy really and not really reviewing my studies, I'm trying to rectify that a little bit now so that I can keep on top of stuff. I suppose with the mental health stuff it can be a bit hard to keep on top of it all, They say that for every hour in lectures we need to be putting in an equivalent hour at home. However I cant really see that happening especially when we are in 4/5 days a week for 7-8 hours at a time. I will do some work over the coming holidays and when out on placement, but I think as long as I have enough references in my assignments I should be okay.

My coming assignment is also really worrying me. I have to write an assignment based on a patient I meet in practice. I was hoping to get a placement in any area other than elderly dementia care. But that is exactly what Ive got. Not only am I going into practice absolutely terrified I am going to take bad practice in with me, I'm also not enjoying the reading around it. I curse my experiences in the care home, it really has tainted my expectations of my ability to be a good nurse and my fears about placement. My mentor seems like a lovely guy and I'm sure ill get on great with him as I go about learning to be a nurse, but I cant think of anything worse right now than doing an older adult placement. I'm trying to keep an open mind and reading all of the literature around nursing clients with dementia, but its a shame I cant be excited about it, as before things went crazy at  big scary mansion care home I really used to enjoy working with older adults.

bye bye peeps

just me x

Beaches :)

I actually got up and went to my biology lecture this morning, it was good as I got to catch up with my mateys who are studying for the adult branch nursing,its the only time we really get to see each other now as most of our lectures are concerned with either mental health or preparation for practice and they are branch specific.  It was good to see them as I am aware there is a bit of a divide developing between the different branch cohorts and us mental health nurses have started to resent the way the uni is gearing everything towards the Adult branch. Its not the case across the board but there is one element of our training that just plain sucks. As mental health students a lot of the cohort want extra support with the biology lectures but as disorganised uni goes they forgot to timetable the mental health cohort for the small group study sessions. We kept raising it with our personal tutors that we weren't happy with the way biology was being taught to us and kept getting told it was our fault for not accessing our small groups. Well three months in they have finally realised that they just completely forgot a whole group of students ! So where we've have just the lectures where there are 100+ students, they just speak the information at us, and run. In comparison the other nursing cohorts get these lectures, small groups where they can ask the questions, and then extra back up from the tutors. But come July we have all got to pass the same exam, fair I think not! They have been really apologetic about the mess up but three months into the course is a bit late. Its not even as if we can organize these sessions now as we are on holiday in a week, then straight out onto placement then when we come back we have something like two weeks before the exam. Thanks uni!

 We have also been having the same trouble with the clinical skills side of the course, after placement we all have to pass an practical exam in taking clinical observations. However as a branch we have had one lesson that was cut short by two hours, when the adult nurses have had more than one lesson to make sure they nail the observations. We have pointed out that we have to pass the exact same exam as them after placement but as mental health nursing students we have less chances of practising these skills out on placement. Crazeeeeee or what!!!! We are lucky in the sense though that the adult nurses seem to complain about their module tutors quite a lot, so far I think there has been one mental health lecture that I wish I had stayed away from, they are generally really interesting and the lecturers are supportive of our cohorts inquisitive nature.


Anyways I had lunch with some of my friends from the adult branch today and it was nice as I am actually working a shift with one of them on the weekend at amazing job that I love very very much :) We then spent some time in a local park that has fondly become known as the garden or by some in my groups as the magical park opposite the uni :)

My matey CG passed her driving test a few days ago, well done CG:)  And has bought her own car, as its maiden voyage, we decided to head out of hilly city to a local beach, well its actually an estuary but its as close to the beach hilly city will really get. It was absolutely amazing though quite sad as this town used to be a bustling seaside resort with funfair, swimming pool, and regular train service. I think now it gets a train 4 or 5 times a day and its sadly not well connected to the hilly city's bus services the fair and swimming pool have been replaced by flats and the whole town has one shop and a cafe. We sat on the rocks watching the sun set and I was taken aback, at how amazingly beautiful it was.

It has made me realise how much I miss the sea sometimes it all reminds me of home, though it probably helps that "home" can be seen from here :)

sunshine and fun times :)

Its been a pretty good week, Ive had a few days off from uni that was definitely needed. I know they are supposed to be study days but its been nice just relaxing a little.  A visit to Ks house on Tuesday has inspired me to make flapjacks for Uni. I usually end up having some form of chocolate on my breaks, but given that Ive left my job so am technically going to be £300 quid a month down I kind of need to cut my costs a bit. Ks flap jacks came out all nice and crunchy something like this .

I suspect mine were on too high a heat setting because they came out more like this :{

Never mind though they still tasted okay, they were just very crumbly, I did take some to uni this morning and they did the job of filling me up without giving me any high sugar reading. I'm hoping that my next batch will be

slightly ever more so successful, as my attempts at making soups for uni have. 

I was talking with M  from my course today and we've both been surprised that the course has had a positive effect on our lives. Ive started to cook healthy nutritious foods for myself again where I would have just lived on biscuits, crisps and toast. I'm having loads more exercise by biking it into uni, but even on the days when I do take the bus in for whatever reason I tend to walk home, unless it is raining really heavily. I must say though the university is set  around some pretty amazing grounds. I cycle through this park generally as the quickest route home but the woodland, river and duckpond combined is pretty amazing.

There are other routes I can take that take in some really grand estates, that overlook the rest of hilly city. Today M and I took a different route home, It wasn't one where I probably should have taken the bike, but it was fun and as we got out of lectures early we spent loads of time in the grounds of an old hospital by a lovely lake just chatting. The walk home normally takes about 50 minutes, this time it took about three hours but we did stop and take a lot of detours which was really nice. As I got to see a lot of hilly cities countryside that I

haven't had the opportunity to explore for quite a few years now. 

I think im a little bit sad that our placements are in may right in the middle of summer, it would have been so nice to spend the lovelier summer months exploring these places but alas as of the beginning of may its our cohorts turn to go out onto our first placement.  Placement has been a real source of anxiety to me, I feel incompetent at times and I know this has come from having way too much work assigned to me at Big scary care home, and this is generally not the fault of the carers but a management issue. However whilst I was working there I could suppress a lot of what I felt about the quality of care, but now Ive left its all coming out in my head which has made me feel worse. I genuinely want to deliver high quality care, but wonder how in any care sector that can be provided where staffing ratios are 10 to one on a good day and 15 to one on a bad, as well as tying to cope with all the domestic chores as no support staff are employed. Anyway I met my placement mentor on Wednesday morning and even though the care setting is similar to what I have worked in before things do seem so much better. My mentor was very happy that I visited before placement started and has made me feel very welcomed. I was advised by my practice tutor to tell him my worries about placement, as they involved some pretty bad experiences and he was very positive in trying to show me that my placement is nothing like my old workplace. To the point that to every 10/11 residents there is two support workers a nurse and a whole host of laundry and kitchen staff. I was pleased with this as it means when I'm on placement I can do what I'm there to do and actually take care of the peoples.

I'm off now to actually attempt to study biology, this should be fun I haven't been to a lecture for it in four weeks:P

Spring has sprung!!

Today when walking home from the most annoying meeting ever Looked up at the trees lining the street and saw that the trees that were so bare a few days ago had started to unfurl there leaves. The photo isnt very clear but it struck me as the most beautiful thing. Thats the thing with life, even when bad things happen and everything around you seems dead, life is still there going by, waiting for us to just notice it again.

Poky studio cage to 4 star Ratty mansion.

My ratties are the very lucky ones, Ive been promising that when my student loan finally came through I was going to improve their living conditions. Well this morning the ill fated loan arrived 4 months late but still there it was. I thought about getting new clothes but in the end I thought id pay off my rent and buy them a lovely new cage.

I think they are enjoying the extra space,  they have been racing around it since I put them in it a few hours ago. I want to pad it out further with toys but will have to wait for a week or two as I have one rat who is completely blind and I have so far had to show her the way to the food and water. She is a complete wizz when she gets used to her surroundings though and she has already learned to go through the tunnel to get from platform to platform. They are soooo cute.

Few needed days off from uni.

Yesterday I met up with an old crafty friend who I haven't seen in quite some time. We had fun as there was an organised flash mob pillow fight going on. I'D already decided that for the first time I was going to take part. It was fun trying to walk around the field looking inconspicuous. When the whistle blew about a hundred or so people including me and old crafty friend  ran into the centre of the field bashing each other with pillows what fun :) This is the official video

After the pillow fight we decided to get some ice cream and go and make the most of the sunshine by sitting out in the park. It was good to see old crafty friend again, for one reason or another I hadn't seen her in about a year and a half, and we had a lovely time catching up on life in general. I couldn't believe how much had changed in our lives, she has graduated from big prestigious university as a social worker and is now working in that field, whilst I have gone from cleaner to carer to access student to  a mental health nursing student at lesser prestigious university (though I would argue its better :)

After this we decided it would be nice to visit my favorite part of  Hilly City,  the area has a rich sense of independence and diversity about it to the point where chain stores are run out of town. I have often thought of moving to this area of town but as of yet Ive never quite made it there though I am a frequent visitor. Recently my expeditions to culture street have been dominated by one particular activity with a variety of  different friends, and I couldn't quite believe it when old crafty friend told me she needed to go baby shopping. I have a LOOOOOOT of  pregnant people in my life right now 4 of them living in Hilly City (there are about 8 people I know who are pregnant and due in June/July, what exactly happened in Oct/Nov peoples????) anyways it seemed odd going baby shopping with old crafty friend along culture street because she was buying gifts for three different people she knew who were also due to deliver in June/July. Hmm something makes me think that the local maternity wards are going to be very very busy with my friends and friends of friends in a couple of months!;p

Wandering back to chain store central afterward we, hit the shops until quite late I found the perfect pair of trousers and a top that will really work well when I go out on placement and at imminent job interviews. In general I try and buy the majority of my clothing from charity shops due to the high cost clothing and I think it is more ethical to buy second hand or fair trade. I never used to shop in places like Newlook because I knew from my days in international banking they pay a couple of pence for a garment and then have a grossly inflated profit margins. I wouldn't mind paying more if they paid the makers of the garments a fair price. However being a student has changed this to being more aware of cost. For example atm my pet rats helpfully   escaped got into my wardrobe and chewed holes in my work trousers. I have worn them to work in the care home since, but for placement and interviews I need to be coming across as professional. As I am of a larger size the chances of finding an appropriate pair of trousers in a charity shop is slim but I generally snap them up when I find them. I cant afford £35 pounds for a new pair so I cant ignore the sale in Newlook where I can get decent trousers for 10 quid. Its a tricky one as I want to be ethical but being on a student budget isn't easy.

I have spent most of today just eating and sleeping, Ive been feeling sooooo tired recently, Part of me thinks it may be that my blood sugars are very high. Its a possibility as I have been stress eating recently, returning to my meals of crisps and chocolate and even sugary pop :/ I dragged myself to the doctors the other day and got my bloods taken as well as making an appointment with the diabetic clinic. Ive also been delinquent with my medication, so I'm trying to force myself back onto track. I'm doing well with the exercise and overall my diet has improved to the point where I am eating veg most days, fruit is still a struggle so I'm introducing myself to smoothies as a way of getting them into me. I don't really know how much I should expect of myself given that in the past I have suffered with bulimia, and a host of maladaptive eating habits that arise especially when stressed. I know I'm stressing myself out but I think It was important that I took action on the negative situations at work as well as the importance of pushing on with the counselling to deal with crap. I think ill just speak to the Diabetic nurse and see what she says lool.

Lifes got a bit arghhh

I'm feeling pretty anxious at the moment, and its all because I decided to quit my job. The weird thing is though Im not worrying about finances, its more just a general sense of anxiety. Some pretty awful things have happened to me there in the last 5 months and I guess I have really struggled to adjust to me actually taking actions to say actually Big scary care home this is not okay that you treat your staff like this. Its think its awful that I feel so anxious about the simple fact that I have quit, yet I know it was the right desision and I should have left months ago. The crunch came when I  burst into tears at finding out my first practice placement at university. I have been looking forward to going out on placement since starting the course,but when I found out my placement is the same kind of setting as big scary care home, I was really upset. Its not that Im unhappy that ive been given  this particular sector to work in, I just think I have been so worried that Ill end up taking bad practice across whereas if I had been given a different health sector I may go in there with little prior knowledge and actually learn good practice from scratch. Anyway I spoke to my placement liason tutor, and they have given me really good advice. But this has meant Ive not only quit my job, Ive left without working my notice as I need a break from this setting so my anxieties can settle down before I go out on placement.

Ive been at university for three months now and I have been loving it, there is loads of reading to do but im okay with that as I love reading. The lectures are really interesting as well there is the odd bad day where they try and teach 6 million things at once, but in general these things are few and far between.  The only real complaint Ive got about the uni is the fact they couldn't organize they're way out of a paper bag. The lecturers all communicate with students in different ways via different systems so you have to log into different things to get different announcements, And then theres the lecture hoping, where you go in for a timetabled lecture and find that its been moved to a different day.

Its all good though Ive passed my first assignment at 58% which I'm happy with, in fact most of our cohort passed.  I think the best part about uni though is that it is having a very positive effect on my lifestyle. It has made me engage in the counselling process more throughly so that I deal with the crap from childhood.  I'm getting more excercize as I'm  cycling to uni which is about 4 miles away and sometimes even catching the bus in and walking home. As well as eating better, making my own soups and curries to take into uni and eat at home I'm still eating an inordinate amount of crap as well though!! Its given me another job that I absolutely love. It doesn't have enough shifts to really support myself financially, but I do it anyway as it involves a lot of supporting people out in the community.

Wow writing this has been very theraputic, Ive been feeling pretty negative recently and anxious but hey without big scary care home life can be pretty good :D